Sometimes things in life happen for a reason. Somethings cannot be explained. When you think you are prepared for everything that life can throw at you, something unexpected happens that takes your breathe away. Yesterday our daughter, Lily Marie Onderko, was born into this world gracefully at 2:22pm. As you all know, we have known since week 18 of the pregnancy that Lily had a Congenital Heart Defect known as Pulmonary Atresia. After months of countless ultrasounds and counceling from the a team of doctors at the Cleveland Clinic we went into this weekend with very high hopes that everything would work out and Little Lily would be home in a few weeks. Things didn't really happen as scripted. Lily arrived kicking and screaming as expected. As soon as she felt the air outside of Emily's stomach she let out a giant cry and started kicking her legs and swinging her arms. I was sitting near Emily's head behind the curtain and I stood up as they pulled her out. When I saw her I felt this rush in my body that I had never felt before. The feeling of joy and happiness almost knocked me off my feet. The beautiful baby that I was staring at was a part of both Emily and myself. From that moment, I felt like my life had changed and that I had somehow changed inside. Earlier in the day I wondered if I would feel like a father to her or if it wouldn't seem real. I instantly knew that I loved her and that she was the most important accomplishment of my life. If I did nothing else in this world I knew that I had helped bring her to life. Initially she was doing well and she was the most beautiful color of pink. She was moving around in her warmer and they were checking her vital signs. Her weight at birth was 5 lbs 12.6 ozs. They quickly prepared to take her to the NICU as expected to do a scan on her heart. I watched as they listened to her heart and cleaned her body. I said hello to her and she opened her eyes and looked directly into mine. I am sure the moment was only a few seconds but it felt like we locked eyes for hours. They bundled her up and took took her to Emily's bed side so she could see her new daughter. Lily was wrapped up in a blanket and a little hat and only her face was visible. Emily and Lily shared a memorable moment with each other and Lily was able to understand how much her mother loved her. They took Emily out to recovery and I ran out to the waiting room to show everyone the pictures of Lily. I felt like I was floating. Everyone was so excited to see the picture I had with Lily's eyes open. I ran back to see Emily and I ran into the doctor on the way. He asked to walk with me and he told me they were going to transport Lily via helicopter right away to the Cleveland Clinic main campus. This was very unexpected. We thought they wouldn't transfer her for two days. She was having problems breathing and the left side of her heart was not pumping any blood. When you combined issues with her left side to the right side heart issues it left a very sick baby. They worked to stabalize Lily while they waited for medical helicopter transport team. They told us in the mean time they were giving her medicine to help her heart and lungs and they started CPR to keep her alive. The transport team arrived but by that point they realized that both sides of the heart were not functioning. There was no chance for a transplant and they ran out options to save her life. They broke the news to us while in recovery. I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my body. I was so overtaken that I thought I wasn't going to make it. Emily was still under heavy medication from the surgery and she couldn't walk. They pushed her in her bed to the NICU so that we could see Lily for a few moments. She was still breathing and trying to hang on so that she could spend a little time with us. We got there and she looked so peaceful. She was a beautiful baby girl and she made us so proud. I don't want to explain everything else that happened in the NICU but I will say that some members of our family did get to come and see her while she was still with us and share in her wonderful but short life. After everything was done that could be done we decided to save her from suffering and pain and let her go in peace. We spent many more hours with our daughter and tried to find some reasoning for what we were going through. We know what caused her dealth but we will never have a reason WHY. The question will always be WHY? WHY US? WHY our family? WHY did such a little innocent girl who only knew one thing in life, that her mother and father were so proud of her and loved her dearly, had to leave so soon. This will never be answered. We thought that we were put here on this earth to take care of her but we now think she came her to make a difference in our life. I am sure many of you are wondering why I am taking the time to write on this stupid blog that now seems so silly. This is my way of telling everyone what happened. This is my way to cope with what has happened to us. Right now I cannot talk about this issue but I know people care about us and Lily and want to know what happened. I started this blog after I found out she had a heart condition because I wanted to make sure everyone knew her story. Yesterday, January 28th 2008, is another chapter in her story. We refuse to let this be the end of her story. She will be with us in our memories and hearts forever and she is waiting for us somewhere. She is watching over us and protecting us. We feel pain right now and that is because we love her. She is now our angel and will be a part of our us forever. We ask that everyone keep Lily in their hearts and know that she was born into this world, lived in this world, and experienced our love. We will survive and we will continue living in honor of Lily. Yesterday was the best and worst day of our lives. We would not trade the few hours we had with her for anything. In time we will keep those hours in our hearts and mind. For everyone who has followed this blog and followed the progress of Lily, we thank you from the bottom our heart. Just please pray for her and always remeber the story of Lily Marie Onderko.
